Karl Pilkington filmography

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and ev Show more If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared. Hide

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed. I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

I don't know what 'famous' is, really. I don't know what 'famous' is, really.

[on whether his personality is real] Yeah, it's me. But I think what doesn't help is the title that Show more [on whether his personality is real] Yeah, it's me. But I think what doesn't help is the title that Ricky came up with. You know, the fact that it's called An Idiot Abroad (2010) is annoying, 'cause people on the street, they'll sort of go, "Oh, it's the idiot!" Which isn't great. That isn't a dream come true. I never wanted that. But it's just because that's the name of the group. Like, if people see Ricky...or, like, before he was more known, it'd be like if they said, "Oh, look, it's the bloke from The Office (2001)." They're just going with the name that they know. It's just annoying that I have to be in a program with "idiot" in the title, so they go, "There's the idiot!" Hide

With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads Show more With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads? Hide

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite Show more All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird. Hide

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door. People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, Show more The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death. Hide

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect. A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'caus Show more At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is. Hide

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, i Show more To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it? Hide

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And the Show more I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about. Hide

I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a diff Show more I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference. Hide

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, Show more It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it. Hide

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too. I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in. When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' Show more I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes? Hide

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret Show more People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option? Hide

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleepi Show more The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone. Hide

It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed. It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle. It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done Show more When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that. Hide

I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great. I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone. Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

We should all love animals. We should all love animals.

I love nature - it's probably my most favorite thing. I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goe Show more I love nature - it's probably my most favorite thing. I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there. Hide

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented. If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

[on whether his personality is real] People ask that about An Idiot Abroad (2010). They go, "Are you Show more [on whether his personality is real] People ask that about An Idiot Abroad (2010). They go, "Are you really like that?" And I am. But they've got to remember is that it's an edited program, innit? So I'm away for nine days, and probably... I don't know how many hours of film that is, but at the end of the day, it's edited down to, like, 45 minutes or something. So there's times when I watch it back and I think, "God..." But then I think about it, and I go, "Well, that's 45 minutes out of hours and hours." I'm pretty sure if I walked around with you and filmed you, and then somebody edited it down, I could either make you look like Stephen Hawking or make you look like... me. Hide

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a w Show more I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax. Hide

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but Show more I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand. Hide

I scored once, and that's only because I was being chased by a bee. ~ Karl's most vivid memory of pl Show more I scored once, and that's only because I was being chased by a bee. ~ Karl's most vivid memory of playing football at school Hide

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much. I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it Show more Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that. Hide

People think that I'm an actor called Graham. I wish I was. People think that I'm an actor called Graham. I wish I was.

Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard. Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.

Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do. Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Rig Show more Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.' Hide

We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about po Show more We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.' Hide

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door." ~ Karl invents his own phrase based on ' Show more "People who live in a glass house have to answer the door." ~ Karl invents his own phrase based on 'Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' Hide

I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to hav Show more I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin. Hide

I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes a Show more I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage. Hide

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nic Show more I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash. Hide

I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corn Show more I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere. Hide

Why didn't evolution give them genes to make them good at carpentry then, so they could build a ladd Show more Why didn't evolution give them genes to make them good at carpentry then, so they could build a ladder instead of growing long necks? ~ on the the evolution of the giraffe Hide

I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, Show more I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling. Hide

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding. And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if th Show more People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this. Hide

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me. I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just Show more They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time? Hide

I've never worried about life's big questions. I've never worried about life's big questions.

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it Show more I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit. Hide

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone! People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature pro Show more I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there. Hide

Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on? Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home. It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.

[on Gremlins (1984)] What are those things in Gremlins called? [on Gremlins (1984)] What are those things in Gremlins called?

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you? I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see. I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest. I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe. ~ Karl's advice to chameleons Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe. ~ Karl's advice to chameleons

A dog has got human eyes A dog has got human eyes

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, u Show more I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt. Hide

You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go. You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go.

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot. But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see. For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

I've got loads of nieces and nephews. I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything. I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University C Show more Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight. Hide

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after. To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error. If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.

The Chinese, they don't age well. You never see a sort of 35 year old one. Well, they're good lookin Show more The Chinese, they don't age well. You never see a sort of 35 year old one. Well, they're good looking when they're young but they age overnight. They're like a pear. Hide

I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you s Show more I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling. But in reality, you're stuck on a boat that's bobbing up and down, you feel sick, the whale isn't there on demand. Hide

I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan. I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan.

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and makin Show more You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that. Hide

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? Show more I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs. Hide

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort o Show more Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really. Hide

[on dopplegangers] How would I know which one I was? [on dopplegangers] How would I know which one I was?

If you can't look a knob in the face there's something wrong. If you can't look a knob in the face there's something wrong.

With acting, I didn't get much from it. With acting, I didn't get much from it.

I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave. I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive. Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape. That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somew Show more I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere. Hide

I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It Show more I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised. Hide

I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life. I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really. I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It Show more Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says. Hide

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester. I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because Show more If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people. Hide

The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head s Show more The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere. Hide