Christopher Titus filmography

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester. Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's Show more We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro. Hide

The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that Show more The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo! Hide

I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare. I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.

Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions. Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.

I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ev Show more I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy! Hide

A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women lo Show more A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat. Hide

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the Bri Show more If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard. Hide

The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it Show more The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick. Hide

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out. Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to ge Show more My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper. Hide

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. M Show more Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater. Hide

Psychiatrists are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. Psychiatrists are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you. I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on Show more And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you! Hide

Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immigration's fault but it's not their Show more Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immigration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours. Hide

I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-ye Show more I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships. Hide

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver ou Show more I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico! Hide

We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in Show more We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different. Hide

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem g Show more After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better? Hide

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test score Show more The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland! Hide

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter. Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony. Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I hav Show more The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please? Hide

We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light. We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them. I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder Show more There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it! Hide

If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend! If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizensh Show more Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill. Hide

You know what, man? I am going to literally - if [Sarah Palin] gets elected President, I am going to Show more You know what, man? I am going to literally - if [Sarah Palin] gets elected President, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll all the time, just loaded and ready - because you know what? It's for my country. It's for my country. If I got to sacrifice myself, it's for my country. Hide

My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. Show more My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol. Hide

To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to Show more To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything. Hide

My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now Show more My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour. Hide

If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas high Show more If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time. Hide

My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also Show more My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. Hide

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two war Show more Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men. Hide

Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he' Show more Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh? Hide

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies. Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I h Show more And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down. Hide

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Si Show more By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route. Hide

My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones g Show more My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo. Hide

This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you did Show more This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money. Hide

My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am Show more My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now? Hide

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brough Show more The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts! Hide

Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kil Show more At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it? Hide

I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake h Show more I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke. Hide

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die. Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dea Show more So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person. Hide

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded. Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a lead Show more Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers. Hide

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same. Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and th Show more I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album. Hide

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I m Show more When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents! Hide

There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul Show more There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television. Hide

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts t Show more My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. Hide

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, men Show more I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon. Hide

The normal make a living. The deranged make history. The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill milli Show more Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat. Hide

Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or Show more Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils. Hide

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. Show more And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group. Hide

I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voi Show more I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that. Hide

So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Show more So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man! Hide

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a gr Show more Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit. Hide

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold Show more If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated. Hide

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce...because that's what a soul weighs. I lost 28 pounds in my divorce...because that's what a soul weighs.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure. For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house Show more It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point. Hide

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work. I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh. Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on do Show more Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down! Hide

Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid Show more Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song. Hide

I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. Y Show more I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad. Hide

The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Pala Show more The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman. Hide

My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not Show more My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember. Hide

Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to hand Show more Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there? Hide

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same Show more This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you. Hide

Valentine's Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, Show more Valentine's Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her. Hide

We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A. We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad an Show more I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night. Hide

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian. I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going Show more Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human. Hide

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife tu Show more I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate. Hide

The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked Show more The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny. Hide

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize! Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcyc Show more When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus. Hide

Step up or step aside. Step up or step aside.

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you t Show more Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb. Hide

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die? Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad. They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good. Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a pe Show more In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can! Hide

Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we Show more Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them! Hide

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that sai Show more My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! Hide

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl. I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many p Show more How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon. Hide

They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg bet Show more They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture. Hide

Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my ent Show more Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop. Hide

My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce t Show more My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. I don't want people not taking me serious. Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on. Hide

Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation. Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gl Show more Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy? Hide

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett! Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program. Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't Show more I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function. Hide

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium. My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The m Show more Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring. Hide

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I Show more Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master. Hide

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch Show more I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos. Hide

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, m Show more At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis. Hide

You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot. You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader th Show more Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible. Hide

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm. Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't d Show more Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die? Hide

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped hi Show more I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive. Hide

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll b Show more Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. Hide

My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha. My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.

Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Show more Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour? Hide

The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysf Show more The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. Oh my God, the world is over! Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer! You guys have been great. Thank you. Hide

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're derang Show more Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader. Hide

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab. My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what Show more Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant. Hide

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman. The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If you Show more Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you. Hide

Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's Show more Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die? Hide

You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get Show more You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us? Hide

I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get Show more I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph. Hide

Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of pa Show more Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out! Hide

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven lit Show more Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile mustache, 'cos they were hypnotized by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead. Hide

There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a f Show more There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom! Hide

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions. How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate Show more Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards. Hide

Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, su Show more Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again. Hide

And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charmin Show more And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it. Hide

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. Y Show more When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that. Hide

If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated. My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

Valentine's Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And Show more Valentine's Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentine's Day. Hide

My mom had this innate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, s Show more My mom had this innate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy. Hide

My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used Show more My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12 black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch! Hide

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't Show more Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting. Hide

Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone ou Show more Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, You gotta nail her! Hide

Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few thin Show more Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy? But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off. Hide

Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra se Show more Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy. Hide